Awakenings...

I often feel like God gives a little gift of personal or spiritual enlightenment. It's nice, it's challenging and then it's gone. Is that really all it's meant to be? I don't think so. Why am I always getting in the way of the goodness that God wants for me? Am I really my own worst enemy?!

This weekend I attended a conference for women who serve in ministry, it was awesome! Through the conference and conversations while there I realized how many little gifts of truth God has and continues to give me but I do nothing with. One speaker talked of "assessing your heart" - it was great! How quickly though do I fill myself up with "stuff" and not make time to fully absorb these nuggets, letting them take root in my life and more importantly my heart?

I was reminded this weekend of things God brought to light this past summer, yet have I allowed God the time to fully heal them? To have His love and healing take root in my heart, nope! Why? Why am I so open and amazed by Him and yet never fully grasping ALL that He is offering me? Am I afraid? Am I running away? Is the unknown too overwhelming for me?

I am halfway through the pregnancy of our first child, there is much joy but also fear. There are so many unknowns and anticipation of the great responsibilities that lay ahead. Right now I want to research and know everything about everything as I prepare for this new beginning in our family. We were the same about starting our marriage over two years ago, talking about everything. All the changes and possible conflicts and issues we might face. We dove into them head first realizing that the reward would outweigh the temporary pain. Why? Why did I not live in fear then?

Now with two years of marriage under my belt have I gotten comfortable? With a child on the way, although there are fears I am not in bondage to them. So why then when it comes to "assessing my heart" or fully engaging the truths and healing God wants to give me do I desperately want to run away?! What is it that I am really fearful of? I know that what lies at the end of the journey is so much greater than what I have now. So why then do I run away from this growth and healing?

Lord, You have slowly awakened my heart to see You more clearly, to experience You more fully. Why am I so afraid to let YOU assess my heart? Why am I so afraid to let you fully heal my scars? Hagar in the wilderness called you "ELROY" - the God who sees me. You see me in all my brokenness, all my pain, all my pride...please help me to let You comfort and heal me! Awaken me to all that you desire for me, remove my fears and replace them with an unwavering trust in You!